This Dude

I am currently "talking" to this guy, lets call him DA. Me and DA met off of a dating site, even though the story that we are supposed to tell people is that we met at the mall, which technically is where I literally met him for the first time. Anyways, I have no idea where he wants this to go. We are not formally a couple because he never asked me to be his girlfriend and I do not have the balls to ask a man such a question. We have only seen each other in person four times over a one month period, the last time I saw him was the Wednesday before Christmas, so it has been 3 and a half weeks since our last meeting. We were supposed to see each other last week but some family things came up and he was not able to make it. We live about 50 minutes away from each other, so it is not that convenient for us to meet. We do talk on the phone and text each other often, but I feel that more effort comes from me in that department.

I kind of believe that he thinks I am attractive because he tells me that, but I still can't let myself go when I am around him due to my inhibitions. He told me from the start that he likes girls that have big butts, my ass is flatter than many white girls, I hope that if I lose weight it will get more shape. He has not seen me without braids yet and since I can't afford to get them at this moment, I do not know if he will like me with my press and curl since my hair is short. I am not sexually inhibited in the least bit, but emotionally and physical contact wise I am. Like for instance, when we are in public, I kind of want to hold his hands, but I do not want to initiate it. I just have this fear of rejection. He knows how much I like him, but he has yet to do anything about it. It could be that he does not want to be in a relationship, or he my not know, I have no idea how long to wait for him to make a decision.

Right now DA is in Atlanta visitng a med school and I am so scared that he probably found the girl of his dreams down there. I have no reason to be scared because he is not my man so I technically have nothing to lose, but I still am. I just think he is going to find this beautiful, educated girl with this gigantic ass and they are going to start some kind of long distance relationship. I guess we could still be friends if that happened. Sigh... I just want to know the status of "us" and I hope he lets me know on Sunday when we are supposed to see each other.