This Dude

I am currently "talking" to this guy, lets call him DA. Me and DA met off of a dating site, even though the story that we are supposed to tell people is that we met at the mall, which technically is where I literally met him for the first time. Anyways, I have no idea where he wants this to go. We are not formally a couple because he never asked me to be his girlfriend and I do not have the balls to ask a man such a question. We have only seen each other in person four times over a one month period, the last time I saw him was the Wednesday before Christmas, so it has been 3 and a half weeks since our last meeting. We were supposed to see each other last week but some family things came up and he was not able to make it. We live about 50 minutes away from each other, so it is not that convenient for us to meet. We do talk on the phone and text each other often, but I feel that more effort comes from me in that department.

I kind of believe that he thinks I am attractive because he tells me that, but I still can't let myself go when I am around him due to my inhibitions. He told me from the start that he likes girls that have big butts, my ass is flatter than many white girls, I hope that if I lose weight it will get more shape. He has not seen me without braids yet and since I can't afford to get them at this moment, I do not know if he will like me with my press and curl since my hair is short. I am not sexually inhibited in the least bit, but emotionally and physical contact wise I am. Like for instance, when we are in public, I kind of want to hold his hands, but I do not want to initiate it. I just have this fear of rejection. He knows how much I like him, but he has yet to do anything about it. It could be that he does not want to be in a relationship, or he my not know, I have no idea how long to wait for him to make a decision.

Right now DA is in Atlanta visitng a med school and I am so scared that he probably found the girl of his dreams down there. I have no reason to be scared because he is not my man so I technically have nothing to lose, but I still am. I just think he is going to find this beautiful, educated girl with this gigantic ass and they are going to start some kind of long distance relationship. I guess we could still be friends if that happened. Sigh... I just want to know the status of "us" and I hope he lets me know on Sunday when we are supposed to see each other.

Insecurities

Ok, so I have never truly been in love before in my life nor have I had a boyfriend who I thought treated like a queen. I have especially been unlucky in my "love life" during the time that I have been in college. I do not think that I am that unattractive, but then again I am very insecure when it comes to my looks.
Skin
I have very dark black skin , well maybe it is not that dark, more on the crayola brown shade of color, but I have yet to learn to love my skin color. I think that most men prefer lighter skinned women. During the summer I avoid the sun at all cost. I wear the highest SPF sunscreen that I can at all times.
Weight
I am on the chubby side. I can fit comfortably into a size 10, but I wish I was a size 4 or 6, it would definitely fit my shape better and give me more confidence. I just like getting picked up, and I do not feel most men could do that.
Hair
Most men love women who have long flowing hair. I do not have that. For most of my life I have struggled with eczema and dry skin/scalp problems. I had a relaxer and all it did was break my hair off. Last August, I did one of the craziest things I have ever done in my life, I got some scissors and chopped all my hair off. I am happy to say that it is growing back at a good rate and my hair is healthy. Hopefully I can get that long hair one day.
Smile
A nice smile is always something good to have. I have had so many years of frowning practice that I cannot smile anymore in a way that I think is pretty. My teeth are also not the straightest, don't get me wrong they are aligned correctly and in a single row, but there is a little gap in the front and I need them to be a little whiter. All of that can be fixed though, I think.

First Post

I don't know where to start. I guess I will write about why I decided to start this blog in the first place. I was walking through WalMart all nonchalantly like I usually do, then I came upon something that made me stop. It was a journal. I have never in my life kept a journal or a diary before but for some reason at that moment I was pondering about it. It could have also been because the cover of the journal was very pretty. I had put myself on a budget for that day, so I decided that I was not going to make that purchase. I went home that evening and did my usual blog reading and while reading some of the comments on YBF, I accidentally clicked on someone's homepage and to my surprise instead of the usual MySpace b.s. it was a blog, but not about celebrity gossip, it was like a diary. I decided that since this is the new millenium, maybe I should try the same thing. That is how I got to this point. This blog will contain my thoughts and evaluations of situations ranging from not only my life but to other things in society. I am at a point in my life where I am trying to find out who I am, so that I can stop internally hating myself. I may say some things that people in my life may not like on here, that is why I have not informed and do not plan on informing anyone that I am close to about this blog. Sigh... and the journey begins...